Personal Log, Stardate 41532.9

Posted on 12 Jul 2021 @ 3:30am by Lieutenant T'Char Le'el

“You what?!”

T’Char grimaces at the viewscreen, reacting to her elder sister’s sudden raise in volume and intensity. She’s been sitting at her desk explaining the events of the past few days with little interruption before reaching her spat with Grenkat in sickbay and then-

“DAMMIT T’Char! What the hall were you thinking?! Why would you do that?!”

H’esti looks livid, one of the rare occasions when the usually jovial Vulcan actually expresses displeasure. It scares T’Char, just a little, which is likely H’esti’s intent.

“It was logi-” T’Char starts to justify it for herself, before she’s cut off rather quickly.

“Don’t bullshit! Do not bullshit me! None of that was fucking logical! You just wanted to bully somebody into submission!”

T’Char stands up out of her seat in a huff, not really thinking about how to respond as much as deciding not to take the punishment sitting down. It takes her a second before she realizes that probably would just make this worse.

“Oh what?! You got something to say about it? You wanna tell me I’m wrong?” H’esti agrees, making it worse for her younger sibling.

“I was just trying t-”

“Trying to what? Alienate and manipulate a coworker? Destroy any chance of a positive relationship between you? Fucking hell T’Char! You’re acting like mom!”

T’Char looks like she’s been stabbed, falling back into her seat with incredulity. She wants to refute the claim with indignation, but H’esti is right. A’ulu would’ve been proud of her, putting a lesser species in their place. Reaffirming superior Vulcan logic over pathetic alien emotions, using said emotions to manipulate them into doing what you want.

“You know I’m right, don’t you.” H’esti scowls at T’Char through her screen, cheeks a little more green than usual at the sudden flash of anger towards the younger vulcan.

“You claim to reject mom like she rejected you but that’s not true is it. You still wanna be her so badly. Am I wrong T’Char? You wanna be like mom?!”

“Nam'uh ralash-fam! Nash-veh ri au!!” T’Char finally releases what she’s been bottling up into a scream, jumping to her feet and scaring Little Cloud into the next room from her place on the couch. Not that the Vulcan notices, as she rants.

“I will not be A’ulu! I never wanted to be her! How dare you say that to me!! After what she did to us!! TO ME!!”

H’esti starts to speak again but T’Char cuts her off.
“You KNOW you were her favorite! After everything you could get away with she still loved you, but me? I was rejected. I was rejected for doing what she wanted of me, and rejected for taking my own path anyways! Guhsh!”

The insult takes H’esti by surprise, T’Char isn’t the kind of person to throw harsh words quite like that one. The following silence between them lasts an awkward minute, and T’Char shamefully sits back into her chair, exhausted.

“Are you done?”

H’esti has no outward sympathy, despite the urge to reach out and hug her sister through the screen. Backing away now won’t help hammer the lesson in place.

“I said are you done now?” H’esti presses the issue, leaning forwards slightly to emphasise her presence. T’Char bows her head to avert her gaze, turning away to cover her face with her hands as a childish attempt to hide.

“Yes.” The emission is small, and weak, but it is at least confirmation from T’Char that she comprehends. H’esti pushes air through her nose before she continues her lecture.

“Yeah, you’re right. She hated you. And she didn’t hate me. Mom was fucked up. Fucked up to you especially, which is why it’s so heartbreaking to me that you’d emulate her behaviour. I don’t want you to become what she was, I don’t wanna see you turn into a spiteful, isolationist, sociopath.”

H’esti inhales deeply and lets the air out slowly, leaning back in her seat to look out the window at the Vulcan desert.

“You’re better than that. You’re kind, you’re open- what happened to those parts of my sister T’Char? What happened to the girl who was so worried about being kind that she’d cry about stepping on a bug?”

“That was one time. I was 6.” T’Char corrects, in a hoarse tone.

“It was at least twice. And you were so very careful afterwards, you even scolded me for not paying attention.” H’esti allows herself a small smile, lowering her guard.
“But my point is I miss her. You shouldn’t be ashamed of that part of you, it’s the best part. I like that part.”

T’Char mumbles a small complaint, noncommittal and lacking air behind her voice. The Vulcan is clearly lost for a justification, or even a purpose behind why she’s acting the way she is. She briefly considers the irony of not being able to feel anything, which other Vulcans strive years to achieve, yet missing the presence of her emotions to use as a guide.

T’Char croaks out a more substantial response, after a moment of introflection. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to Greenkat. He’s the one you hurt.”

“Grenkat.” T’Char sits back up slightly, correcting H’esti again. “And… I should.”


“Yeah you should.” H’esti steels her tone just to confirm she’s still disappointed, before her expression softens and she changes topics.

“It’s Ori isn’t it? Why you’re so.. Disjointed?”

T’Char nods silently, wiping a sleeve over her eyes preemptively as she starts to feel her face get hotter.

“The bond will not.. it won’t heal.”

“It will.” H’esti reassures, despite not knowing if it actually will. “You’ll get better.”
Her tone is hopeful, but T’Char can tell that H’esti isn’t confident. How could she be, the loss of a child is…

“Have you talked to Sesenek?”

T’Char looks up at the screen and sniffles, shaking her head. “No. He is busy and burdened with tasks of his own, I cannot-”

“You should talk to him.”

She’s right, T’Char thinks. She should. At least it’s a place to start. “Perhaps.”

H’esti knows that’s as much of a yes as she’ll ever get out of her sister, so she nods and exhales on a sigh.
“Good. Think about it. And you aren’t hurting yourself again are you? I just wanna hear you say it.”

T’Char pauses, a second too long.

“T’Char! Are you-!”

“No.”

H’esti growls under her breath, frustrated and worried at the same time.
“Dammit Tish! Fucking dammit! If you’re running that damn holoprogram again-!”

“I have not.” Recently, T’Char mentally adds, deciding it might be best to stay vague in this area.

“You’d better not be. Hey!” She calls out through the screen, trying to get T’Char’s eyes so her sister can see the visible concern in H’esti’s face. “You had better not be!”

“I won’t.” T’Char states, noncommittally.

“Good! Don’t!” H’esti huffs, in the same manner as her sister often does. Family resemblance. “Spend the time looking up Piraktan recipes instead! That apology you’ve got planned will go over better with food to soften the blow. And he can’t punch you if he’s holding a tray.”

~~~

“Personal Log, stardate 41532.9.”

T’Char moves to sit at her desk while toting a glassy eyed feline, a dusty brown tabby with a red collar and a tag that reads ‘Mr. Pepper Soup.’ The cat appears to have no complaints about being carted around limply, even starting to purr as the Vulcan sits him on her lap and begins patting his head.

“Given my status as of the past few days, I have scheduled dedicated leave time for myself to recover my mental faculties. It is time I admit that I am more notably unstable than I was before the past several months, likely due to my own negligence.”

Mr. Soup makes a flash decision to chase a piece of fuzz, and he jumps from T’Char’s lap onto the floor and out of view. The Vulcan watches him go, pausing a moment before continuing her log.

“In my.. task of self destruction I have caused great harm to someone unfairly. Regardless of my condition, I have no excuse for such behaviour. It was a shameful action, and one that I will never be able to rectify. The least I can do is apologize and never trouble this individual again.”

T’Char bites her lower lip and crosses her arms, uncomfortable admitting her faults. She makes a mental note of that uncomfortability, thinking that acknowledging it will make her feel better somehow. Instead it validates her reasons for enacting self hatred.

“Perhaps I do require a change of pace. I am contrite to admit, but my actions are causing me.. distress. I do care what Grenkat thinks of me, beyond the obvious illogic such repentance is bound to. My emotions appear to be winning my constant internal D’Alik’tal.”

She growls under her breath and leans back into her chair, turning to stare at her reflection in the glass of the viewport opposite. The rings under her eyes are a dark blue and yellow, courtesy of her copper-oxidized green hemoglobin. Few realize it, but the inside of the Vulcan mouth is a soft blue color for the same reason. T’Char accentuates this by sticking her tongue at her own reflection in a terran ‘razzberry’ maneuver, mocking the dour Vulcan looking back at her.

“Kaiidth, what else is there to say. I will live with my regret, that is punishment enough. End log.”