Personal log, Stardate 40957.68

Posted on 21 Aug 2020 @ 3:02pm by Lieutenant T'Char Le'el
Edited on 21 Aug 2020 @ 3:06pm

A Vulcan walks onto an empty Holodeck, tearing off the top of her duty uniform to reveal her grey, turtlenecked tank top, studded with pips. The jacket is tossed to the side haphazardly.

“Computer, initiate program Le’el Seven. Deactivate safety protocols.”

<:: Warning. Deactivation of safety protocols presents extr- ::>

“Override!”

The computer merely twips back in a short digital tone to reply, and the holodeck shifts into an industrial area, wrapped in fog and shadows.
It’s night, but it’s still warm. The air is harsh, dry, and the fine grains of sand permeating the wind are almost palatable. The Vulcan senate looms overhead to reach into the sky; only the soft yellow lights from the windows dotting the outline confirm that it’s actually there. There’s one streetlight every several meters, and the spaces inbetween are so dark the earth seems to vanish into them. Residential buildings bow over the street to cover the sky, helpful in the harsh daylight, but serving only to block the stars from view when it’s this late. It’s quiet except for the wind, which is how T’Char is able to tell when a figure steps into the light behind her.

He’s a Vulcan. Taller than her. His face is blank but his fists are balled tightly. As soon as she makes eye contact, he rushes forwards faster than she can react, and his hand goes to her throat. The impact pushes her back and causes her to stumble, falling backwards. Her breathing is short, and she can’t pull in a full lung of air. Her vision starts to cross almost immediately as her back hits the ground. He lifts her head up by the neck, and then shoves down just as quickly to bounce the back of her skull against the stones. By instinct her hands go up to his arm around her neck, and her fingers gouge at the limb weakly, carving skin away under her nails. It only seems to make him push against her tighter, and she starts to lose her sense of breathing altogether. His body is heavy, it locks her against the ground. She can’t move away. His other hand goes to her face- fingers pressing into her skull by her cheek, her forehead, and her chin- which finally causes her to gain a sudden burst of adrenaline.
Her leg jets up into his gut- right where his heart is. It causes him to loosen his grip on her neck just enough for her to follow up with a sharp knee to his crotch. The airless grunt he emanates is enough to tell she made contact, and she manages to push his body away, rolling out from underneath him to her feet. It takes a second for him to recover, and it’s just enough time for T’Char to kick full-force into his neck. There’s a quiet clicking noise as something breaks, and the Vulcan male collapses onto the ground, limp. His body dissolves as the force fields dissipate.
Another Vulcan steps into the light. He looks identical to the first man, and as soon as he makes eye contact with T’Char, he rushes forwards.

~

“Computer. Begin personal log, stardate 40957.68.”
T’Char eases onto her bed, rubbing gently at the angry green and yellow bruises on her neck. There’s a small cut on her lip, and a few more ugly contusions on her chest and arms, but they don’t ache nearly as much. The one next to her left breast is a close second though.

She coughs slightly, trying to get her voice past the damage to her windpipe.

“The operation was a complete failure. Our syndicate contact discovered exactly who we were a few moments after we beamed aboard. My attempt to neutralize him with a chemical compound was a failure thanks to the eloquent and hippocratic Ensign Seldi Zax. Who not only revealed to him that he was injected with a drug, but managed to prove he was not actually suffering from radiation poisoning. He promptly realized that he had been mislead from the beginning- and decided then to, agh”

She coughs again, and is forced to pause. Her eyes narrow as she grimaces at the floor. Her left arm starts to twinge, the muscles clearly stressed. One of the holographic Vulcans pulled her into a wall with that arm, mostly likely she sprained a joint when it twisted the wrong way.

“..The.. hff-the circumstances do not matter. Regardless it was a total failure. There are many reasons why, it would be illogical to call attention to a single factor in a series of cascading events.”

The Vulcan slowly comes to her feet and limps to her desk, sliding her chair out to sit back down almost immediately. The light reveals just how extensive her injuries are, they wrap around her upper body like yellowish-green Trill spots. Without her sleeves, her burn scars are also clearly exposed. Riding down her neck and over her right side, the flesh on her torso is visibly marred on the epidermal layers. It seems to stretch over her arm and under her back, in wavy patterns where the skin was ignited. The intricate patterns that the plasma etched onto her body might almost be beautiful if it didn’t look so agonizing.

“In other unfortunate news, I am confined to quarters. I must also clarify that this confinement is justified.Though I have... somewhat broken this rule already, it was purely for training purposes and not recreation..”

T’Char grinds her teeth for a moment as she looks at her desk console, staring into the eyes of her reflection over the dark panel. For the first time in a while, she actually feels nothing at all. She thinks what a convenient katelaya time it is for her to experience kolinahr.

“...I should, explain. I was on the bridge with the Centurion, Drela, shortly after the Syndicate operative managed to escape the ship with several canisters of bio-mimetic gel. As we were tracking him, she passed a phaser which she had stolen from an officer past me to the person she stole it from- I.. reacted negatively. My instincts told me that a Romulan officer had stolen a live weapon and was armed on the bridge less than a meter away from the Captain. I reached out and-”
She makes a pinching motion with her fingers, leaning back in her chair with a brusk exhale.

“Neuropressure is effective on most humanoid species, Romulans included. Though to be honest it was merely a guess, based on a reactionary emotion. Needless to say..”

T’Char presses her lips together and hunches her face up in a half smile without smiling, her brow stuck in a neutral position. She lifts up her arms and shrugs enthusiastically, gesturing with her hands in an animated fashion.

“It was a notable disturbance to bridge functionality. Equally as much inappropriate. And unprofessional. In other words, a rather typical action for me to take, considering my past record of behaviour.”

She furrows her brow and lets her arms drop into the armrests- which causes her to pull in air through her teeth in a sharp hiss from the sudden impact to her sore muscles. The Vulcan bites her tongue to keep from crying out, scolding herself internally for not being more careful.

“The Captain was, visibly disappointed. Likewise Commander Raj. And Kyr. Ensign Mira seemed reasonably amused...”

The Vulcan bites her lip, grimacing as the small cut gets agitated and starts bleeding again. She thinks back on the event, trying to scour her own thought process to determine justification for her own actions. All she can remember is getting a hot flash of panic as time sped up, and all of a sudden the Romulan was on the floor in front of her.

“I have also been given strict orders not to incapacite any individual without direct instruction from a superior. A logical prerequisite. Perhaps one that will prevent any further mistakes on my behalf.”

T’Char tilts her chair to the side in order to look out the window. Her cabin is facing the rings of the planet a few thousand kilometers away- it reflects a sort of bronze hue into the cabin. Her reflection catches her eyes again, from this angle she can see the faint greenish ring of a thin contusion starting to form on her forehead. She’ll have to remember to steal a dermal regenerator tomorrow for the more visible injuries.

“I have made amends with the Romulan. At least, to the best of my abilities. The damage I have done is not something that can be easily repaired, regardless of whatever concessions I might make. This will be a permanent stain on the record of Starfleet, and of this ship and its crew. Familiar to actions I have committed before on my previous assignment.”

The Vulcan gets caught by a lump forming in her throat. She swallows it to the best of her ability, minding her crushed windpipe. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tries something Cassidy taught her during her first week on the Kent to slow down her heartbeat. Inhale for five seconds, hold for six seconds, exhale in seven. Repeat the exercise. It does help, but she has to use her arm to wipe away a damp mist forming by the corners of her gaze. She wonders if that was from remembering her friend or her current disappointment in herself, but it’s hard to make that distinction under the current circumstances.

She opens her eyes. Her reflection is still there, unfortunately. T’Char twists her chair to face the desk again, glaring at her console.

“Perhaps this was inevitable. I am a risk to Starfleet and to those I work with. If I were to make a similar action in a higher risk situation, it would be logical to expect casualties. I have already caused the death of two officers with my impulsive behaviour, would it be illogical to assume I am not capable of the same actions again?”

Her tone begins to waver unsteadily. There’s hardly any point in suppressing anything right now, so she doesn’t. The tears flow freely down her cheeks.

“Perhaps I am only capable of harming others. Perhaps my mother was correct in her assertion that I am a disease, hardly a Vulcan, flawed. Dramatic as it may sound, she may very well have judged my own status as a genetic impurity correctly. I am not a Vulcan, nor am I a Romulan. I am- a cancerous anomaly. Unable to control her emotions, or behave in a manner becoming of either species.”

As she inhales and there’s a sharp pain in her rib, centered on a rather ugly and spreading yellowish bruise. Something doesn’t feel right. She touches the surface of her skin gingerly as she reaches inside her shirt, but recoils just as quickly when the pain spikes at her contact. T’Char hunches on that side to avoid agitating it further, she’s probably just overreacting.

“Kyr is no doubt offended by my actions just as equally as the senior staff. I make him a poor t’hy’la and he will no doubt wish to break off the relationship in short order. Not in the immediate, I do not believe he would desire to cause further distress than has already been initiated- that is not in his nature. But I do not sense that I would function to him as a desirable companion.”

T’Char stands up from her chair with some effort, using the desk as a crutch. The Vulcan eases herself down slowly to lay on her back when she reaches the cot, but her head hardly hits the pillow before she snaps at the computer.

“...Bath’pa, it’s just so typical isn’t it?”

She bends back up, grinding her teeth against the sharp agony in her midriff when her muscles contract.

“Typical of me to do something so, ri klon within so little time of my assignment here. That of course I would be so duhik!! It’s just so me isn’t it?”

She raises her voice for no one in particular, without even the slightest pretense of Vulcan discipline. Her voice is laced with anger and frustration, but more than that, a deep sense of disappointment in herself. Without meaning to, she laughs. It’s mirthless, but it’s loud and violent, and it also causes her bruised ribs to shudder in agony. The pain is intense, but it only causes her to laugh again, a bit harder this time.

“What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking at all, that’s the problem! I never think about anything!!”

T’Char swipes her arms over her bed to knock away the various pillows, sending them flying across the room. The impact hardly registers, which only serves to build her frustration. She stands up to kick over the small table at the foot of her bed, sending a PADD and a mug tumbling to the floor. But that’s all it takes to knock the wind out from under the Vulcan, her body has already been pushed to the limits for today. She lets herself fall back onto the mattress, her eyes still glazed over with saltwater.

“Computer, d-delete the last thirty seconds and end log.”

The machine beeps in confirmation, closing the channel. The small desk lamp on her console flicks off in unison with the screen, shrouding the room in darkness. The only light entering her room is from the planet reflecting off the yellow giant it orbits.

She covers her face with her hands and rolls over on her side. If she had any energy left, her body might be shuddering with sobs. But all she can do is stare at the floor through her fingers. After a while, even the bruises start to go numb. T’Char finds herself missing the pain, it was the only feeling she had some control over.