Personal Log, Stardate 40976.9

Posted on 30 Aug 2020 @ 4:42pm by Lieutenant T'Char Le'el
Edited on 06 Sep 2020 @ 10:48pm

The Vulcan staggers into her room, using the panel to her left to close the door and turn on the lights, respectively. Making her way to her desk, she manages to sit down slowly, still in the grey utility uniform she wore the whole day for the mission. The uniform itself is smeared with flecks of blueish blood across the chest and arms, now starting to blend in with the grey of the rest of the outfit.

“Computer, begin personal log. Stardate 40976.9 .” Her voice is marred and coarse, laced with emotion.

“The infiltration of the Orion base to secure the weapon and it’s manufacturers was...objectively a success. The entire facility was destroyed, along with all traces of the weapon, and Velires has been placed into custody.”

T’Char spits out the name harshly, like it was poison in her mouth. She begins to undo the utility straps on her harness, sliding it off and letting it fall to the floor haphazardly. Her next task is fiddling with the zipper on her excursion jacket, but it gets caught.

“With the help of the Romulan ship, I understand the Boston had no significant trouble with the Orion vessels. Unfortunately we did still manage to become severely damaged in the engagement, which further-”

She bites her tongue, and looks down at her zipper, focusing on tearing the jacket off her upper body as she fights back her slowly deteriorating emotional threshold. The garment finally unzips, and the Vulcan lobs it full force across the room, standing up from her chair to do so. T’Char tries to inhale slowly and sit back down, but she only gets lightheaded, not calmer.

“..it does not matter- they had their orders to follow. Kyr is one officer to the Captain, the Boston has many officers- we cannot take priority it would be illogical-”

She sweeps her arms over her desk and leans forwards, grimacing as tears begin to freely slide down her cheeks. Her breathing becomes coarse and uneven, even as she attempts to force herself into a meditative state, speaking directly to her console.

“He was severely injured during the away mission. I do not know how, I should have been paying more attention. I should have been there to prevent it, but I was not. I was behind him and yet I did not see it. I was unable to keep him f-from h-arm.”

Her voice finally breaks as the Vulcan starts openly sobbing. Her back and shoulders tense up as she bows over the desk, gripping her hands together tightly.

“I a-lmost, l-lost him. I almost lost my Andorian today. I cannot lose him. I do not want to lose anyone else. I cannot lose anyone else!!”

She slams her fist weakly on the surface of the desk, forcing her into an open breakdown. She barely manages to tap the console to pause the log recording before her emotions become too much to handle, and she collapses over her desk as her body is suddenly wracked by muscle spasms.

She pushes herself up and staggers to her feet, trying to walk to her cot but makes it about halfway before her legs give out and she slumps onto the floor. It’s more her own willpower that causes her knees to weaken, rather than simply not having the energy stored. Her emotional barriers are gone completely, and she has no means of bringing them back, so the usually suppressed feelings run rampant over her own senses. T’Char weeps, fully and openly, with volume generated by unfiltered passion. It's harsh enough to force her into a fetal position on the floor, unable to stop herself.

She’s never cried this hard before, not even as a child.

“I will not lose him! I will not lose him!!” She speaks only to herself- in between the forceful wailing and bitter tears. It’s all she can manage before her body returns to the release of everything she’s had bottled up inside her for the past several years. It’s not orderly, or controlled, or even legible. It’s an ugly release of ugly feelings, and it’s all she has left.

A long while goes by before the Vulcan is finally able to feel herself breathing. T’Char is still very lightheaded, but she pushes through it in order to get back to her desk, standing up on weak legs.

“Computer. Resume.”

Her voice is quiet. It’s also much rougher than it was earlier, clearly her throat has dried out. But, it is more level, and less marred with fear and sadness. She takes a slow, deep breath before she continues, pulling at the bottom of her blue tank top to readjust it, attempting to appear less disheveled.

“He is alive now, that is all that matters. When I am finished here, I will return to him in sickbay, I promised to stay by his side until he recovers.”

T’Char nods, reassuring herself of the facts. She counts to thirty in her head, each 5 second interval corresponding to an inhale, holding her breath, and an exhale. The short exercise manages to make her feel less nauseous. She opens her eyes to stare at the desk, smiling very faintly as she sniffles.

“We did meld. Kyr and I. My intention was to keep him alive while waiting for the Boston to beam us aboard, by using the meld to place us both in a healing trance. It seemed to be effective. He is alive now. He is alive.”
She speaks mostly to herself, trying to hammer the statement into her own skull. T’Char thinks it probably didn’t work, since she still feels awful.

“I.. felt, inside of him.” Her hand goes to her gut, over her heart. She winces slightly, forgetting the small cuts coating that area of her body were only recently sealed.

“We shared minds. I know.. much about him, and he of myself. I know he understands my love far better than I ever could ever express, and I think.. I know how he feels about.. us.”

T’Char exhales through her nose, leaning back in her chair as she closes her eyes.

“If there was any doubt about us being t’hy’la there is none today. It is as if my worries about our relationship never existed. My questions have been.. mostly answered.”

Wincing, she looks back to the monitor.

“Admittedly, seeing him with.. Velires in.... that sort of manner was. Disruptive. And upsetting. And-”

She bites her tongue, stalling.

“It.. makes me very. Angry. Not resulting from jealousy as I originally suspected but.. from my concern for Kyr. He was very deeply hurt, in ways that I.. can empathize directly with, and- though perhaps I am a poor replacement in my own opinion, I would not... could never, manipulate his emotional state so maliciously for any purpose.”

Her eyes travel to her hands as she picks at the dry skin by her fingers, fidgeting.

“I also find it somewhat interesting that my.. emotional displacement has not been a cause for concern among the crew. Perhaps I am much more.. observant of my own behavior- but they did not seem to make any comment of my.. outbursts in the medical bay. I was rather openly unable to repress my emotional concern, let alone at least pretend I had some grasp over a logical mindset.”

T’Char sniffles again, taking another deep breath in to steady her heartbeat, which still pounds a mile a minute. The Vulcan seems to grow tired, as she lists to the side of her chair.

“Logic has played very little into my decision making process the past month, it would seem.”

She pulls herself upright in order to stand up from her chair, using a hand to ruffle out the back of her own hair- it starts to frizz back into it’s naturally curly shape almost immediately.

“I intend to shower using hot water, and to replace my uniform with something less- dirty.”

She grimaces disdainfully while glancing down at the sweaty, blood spattered, disgusting mess she’s become over the course of the day. Hot water may not be entirely practical, but it felt nice, and T’Char felt like she deserved to have that at least.

“...And then I will return to sickbay in order to keep my promise to Kyr. I am uncertain when I will be allowed to return to duties- but for the meantime I will assume I am still relatively restricted in that area. If for no purpose other than to allow me to remain by Lieutenant th’Vovass, so I am able to support him however possible.”

She leans over the desk to tap her console to end the log, but she pauses for a moment.

“I think.. I would like to visit Andoria. I.. I will ask Kyr when he is feeling better if..”

She shakes her head lightly, scolding herself for the indulgence. It is illogical to fantasize about situations that are unrealistic. T’Char taps her console quickly, and the log is cut short.